Acknowledgement

I acknowledge the feeling of fear and optimist
   like holding a warm cup in a cold weather.

I acknowledge that healing may come from within with much grace from the outside.

I acknowledge that strength lies in the heart and spirit
    make it light up to guide a darkened way.

I acknowledge the emptiness within in order to be filled with spirit.

I am grateful universe,  I am grateful. 

Always, new beginnings

I got you back.  As usual I have been remiss in blogging.  Here's the plan:
*Merge all my blogs into one
*Just log in as needed.

Simple. 

Another New Year, Bye 2012

We spent the the last hours of 2012 with a bonfire in Chino and Cielo's house.  The kids were so excited, Cheyenne especially; it was her first bonfire.

The turnover of the years was greeted by few firecrackers- not like the past years. It was a good thing.

Am trying to look past- but found myself looking at the rush of emotions.  One thing was certain- have learned to be thankful of the past year- blessings and troubles together. Maybe because I was in the company of friends and family and felt very safe and comfortable. And that is a good thing.

Looking forward, 2013- am not sure.  One little part of me is afraid of what the new year will bring me.  And  I have to keep reminding myself to learn to accept things as they are. I have to lower my expectations because the battles was not with a dragon from the outside but from a dragon within.

Perhaps it was the meaning of welcoming the year with the bonfire.  As you stare through it, you feel your blades heating up, turning red, ready to be shaped and sharpened.  Now fire is not always a bad thing, it can be a good thing too. Its painful, but those who have gone through the fire are sharp, strong and may even become diamonds with their own glitter.  Just make sure you do not get consumed and know when to jump out.

I look towards 2013- quietly, anxiously...

Not me

I have been waking up early and sleeping early. 

Must have been one exhausting day.  But I wake up with a dam of feelings breaking loose. All scenarios, all anxieties, all unfounded fears.  One part of my brains says, its ok; its going to be ok. 

Sitting quietly in the still of the early morning in my unlit room with light coming from the lanai, I realized, "Its not always about me." SO what am I afraid of, just make my contribution.

Deciding

The past mercury in retrograde, the ghost month and whatever reorganization of energies has emptied me out.  I have remained positive, trying to be slow in anger.  Laughing a lot more trying to be oblivious to a nagging feeling.

Work  has been getting on a bit slow, giving in to too much online games as my temptation and blanking method.  It really hasn't help. I know what I am capable of.  But even if I give in to too much work, still feeling blank.

Mornings is sometimes not helpful. Walking up early to little sounds.  Draining.

Unexpected answers come in sometimes unexpected places and can be  standing infront of you.  How much energy should I give to transform myself to I know I dread to thread?

:) Love and light.

Planning My Demise 1

I have been attending more wakes   than weddings or baptisms... Have been also in discussion with my friends on what to do when it is someone's turn to pass on. So making a random list and maybe incoherent thoughts to prepare for D' Departure.

1. I need to put in order my files- whatever assests and liabilities I have.
   Life insurance- check
   Funeral plan- - currently paying it.
   Hospital insurance- check, but need one that is not dependent on my CSB employment
   Mga inherited properties- needs lotsa work
   Mga saleable thingies- wala ata
   Personal diaries- yikes- review and discard young angsts, just keep those na kapupulutan ng aral
   Books- maybe read a and pass on those I will not need

2. Details of the wake - Hirap ng tanong na ito
   *cremation - yes
 
3. Need to be remembered more not for the good person that i am- bwahahaha. But I want my advocacies to continue... - Deaf, youth development, environment - now i need to make these advocacies clear. Next article na lang.


  

A New Me?

Deadlines, little logistical buggers, emails to send, task list  getting longer, people getting sick...
The younger me would now be frowning, cursing and angry at the world: gaining enemies and more fingers pointed to somebody else.

But strangely, didn't do all of that. I just rolled my eyes and trying to get thing done.
People you depend on don't things done- I smiled.

A strange new me.